Episode Transcript
Speaker 0 00:00:03 Welcome to the doctor's awake show, where I show you how bad States of mind, difficult life issues. Aren't pathological, but rather signs of personal growth trying to happen. All right, let's get into it. Hey people, thanks for tuning in today. I hope
Speaker 1 00:00:31 The sun is shining on your life.
Speaker 0 00:00:35 And if not, don't forget. What's above the clouds
Speaker 1 00:00:40 In every darkness. There's a light. You just have to find it. I'm sitting here with my ginger tea and I'm ready to share a juicy exercise with you. Don't do these exercises while you're driving, operating machinery or doing anything that requires your attention. All right. Are you ready to work on not liking something about someone? I call this method inner relationship work, because you'll be working on yourself alone to discover your process in relation to someone you won't actually interact with him or her. I'll cover that in future episodes. Think about all the time we spend venting either internally or with friends about things that bug us about people. You know, she's nagging, he's insensitive, she's too emotional. He's cut off from his feelings, the whole mess of relationships. I want to begin by giving you a new concept. There are two aspects to how people behave, especially in relationships.
Speaker 1 00:01:54 One is the basic quality of a behavior. And the other is the way this basic quality manifests. These are two different things. The same human quality can manifest in diametrically opposite ways. For example, think about power. Power in itself is neither good, nor bad. It depends on how it manifests, how it's used. It can create, but it can also destroy power is the basic quality, but it can manifest in a variety of ways. Think about emotionality. Can you imagine both positive and negative ways someone can be emotional? Of course you can express authentic feelings that help someone understand you, or you can drown in your feelings, get possessed by them, or even use them to oppress manipulate or abuse. Someone emotionality is the basic quality, but it can manifest in different. The same is true of all human behaviors. Each one is the expression of a basic quality that can come out in many different ways.
Speaker 1 00:03:10 At their core. These qualities are neither positive, nor negative they're neutral. So what determines how these basic qualities manifest one word awareness, the more aware someone is of their inner processes, the more these basic behavioral qualities manifest in constructive and positive ways, the less aware they are, the more pain and suffering. They both cause an experience. Now, how does this apply to your relationships, particularly to things you don't like about someone? The fact that there's a difference between the basic quality of a behavior and how it manifests means. You're always dealing with two different processes at once. One is your reaction to how the other person's behavior manifests. One person is cold and insensitive and the other is moody and cranky or in a heterosexual relationship. He mansplainers while she freaks out or whatever the other person acts in a way that bothers you and you react to this by expressing your feelings or trying to get the other person to change, or even just by feeling upset internally, this is the relationship level. We all focus on and tend to feel victimized by the other process. Isn't about how the other person's behavior manifests. It's about the basic quality behind it. Remember the exact same basic quality can manifest in many different ways. So the basic quality itself, isn't the problem. And it's not meant to be changed or fought. It's meant to be drum roll. Wait a minute. I got to get to my drums. <inaudible>
Speaker 1 00:05:41 all right. I'm back. It's meant to be integrated as a conscious part of you. What? Yup. The way someone's behavior manifests can be incredibly awful to deal with. But the basic neutral quality behind that behavior is actually something you need more of. This is precisely why this person came into your life. They're irritating you with a negative version of a basic quality in order to confront you alert, you wake you up to this quality in yourself. You're unconsciously drawn to a certain person, not only to connect and be loved and accepted, but also to be challenged in this way, the people that come into your life do so in part to awaken you, to make you more conscious, to help you evolve whatever the other person does is somehow part of your process. They're mirroring something in your psyche. It's often really hard to see, but it's true.
Speaker 1 00:06:55 Traditional talk therapy. If it goes really deep, might help you identify how the manifestation of someone's behavior mirror something in your own process. Like maybe your partner acts just like one of your parents and that's something for you to work on internally. But it doesn't go to this deeper level where the basic quality of the other person's behavior is something you actually need more of. But in a conscious way, let me give you some examples. One of my clients, a very shy, quiet woman who complained of having no self-confidence said she didn't like how loud aggressive and abnoxious her boyfriend was first. I let her tell me all about how awful he was. She said, quote, he does and says whatever he wants whenever he wants with no regard to my feelings and quote, I asked her what the basic quality was in his behavior.
Speaker 1 00:08:03 It's a confusing question. And she answered like you'd expect obnoxious, overwhelming. So I phrased the question a bit differently. I said, what do you imagine is the essence of his way of being, not the essence of your reaction or judgment? The essence of his way of being, it took a while for her to get past her hurt feelings. Understandably so, but she eventually identified the essence of his behavior. She said, quote, he's powerful. And I'm not. He overwhelms me and says whatever he feels and totally believes in it. And quote, then she paused and said, but I hate it. I said, right, he's a monster. But the core essence, the basic quality of his behavior, his power, his obnoxious behavior is the manifestation of that power. But that's not the inherent quality of power itself. There's nothing wrong with power per se. It's all about how it's used.
Speaker 1 00:09:13 She nodded. Now we have the golden ticket for the rest of the session. I helped her focus on developing her own power and her own self-belief, but in a more conscious and positive way than he did. Do you see what happened? His behavior, which sounded pretty insensitive was something her psyche actually needed to be shown and confronted with. In order for her to wake up to an integrate her own power. Remember she had identified herself as having no self confidence. So she unconsciously found a powerful, obnoxious self-confident man to upset her processing. It enabled her to connect with her own power. It's paradoxical. The thing you don't like about someone is exactly what you need, but in a different form, this is how to process something you don't like about a person. First find the essence, the basic quality of their negative behavior, and then make it conscious in yourself in a positive way.
Speaker 1 00:10:29 Here's another example. I was once mad at a friend who's always working and rarely had time to get together with me. I was hurt and upset. My judgment of him was that he was cold unfeeling. Didn't care about me and everything else negative. I could think of. So I play acted him being only into his work and asked myself what's the essence, the basic quality of this behavior after meditating on it for a while, I realized that the essence was following yourself, not being so dependent on others for your fulfillment. This turned out to be really helpful to me by showing me how I needed to follow myself more. And not only that, after I worked on it, I realized that he actually wasn't as unavailable as I thought he was our thoughts and feelings play weird tricks on us to get us into our processes.
Speaker 1 00:11:30 Here are some general examples of what the core essence or basic quality of a negative behavior can be. If it's made conscious in yourself, selfish can become the quality of knowing how to honor your own needs. Nervous or hyper can become the quality of having lots of energy that can be used to focus on something dramatic can be the quality of being in touch with your feelings and able to express them. Unemotional can become the quality of being able to step back and rationally assess a situation. It's the process of finding the positive version of a negative behavior. All right, let's do the exercise. Now, each one of you is total unique in how you process things. So at each step of the exercise, turn the podcast on and off.
Speaker 2 00:12:26 However you need. Think of someone you'd like to have a better relationship with, but who annoys or hurts or frustrates you in some way, there's something he or she does that just bugs you. What exactly does this person do? Review their behavior in detail. Now review how you react your triggers, feelings, judgments, and criticisms of him or her. Now I want you to experiment with acting this way, but not as a negative imitation, try as hard as you can to put your judgments aside and approach it like a meditation explored as a part of your own process. There's a nugget of wisdom in it and we're going to hunt for it.
Speaker 2 00:14:54 I know, I know there's no way this person's awful. Disgusting behavior could possibly be a part of who you are nor could it bring you anything positive, but have some faith. And let's explore this begin by visualizing what he or she looks like doing this behavior. Take a good hard look at it. Watch the whole scene unfold. Now feel what it would be like to actually be this person behaving this way, take your time and explore it without judging or interpreting to it. Like an acting exercise, just play around with it, experience it, get a feel for it. Be as neutral as you can now listen to his or her voice. Listen to its pitch, tone, tempo, and volume, get a good sense of it and then try to imitate it. But remember, don't do it as a negative imitation that won't help you do it to unfold your own process. <inaudible>
Speaker 2 00:18:13 now stand up and embody his or her movements and gestures experience. What it's like to be this person behaving this way. Imagine you have this person's body and move like he or she does. Go ahead and turn the podcast off and do this and turn it back on when you're ready. <inaudible> okay. Take a few minutes and really get into play, acting this person as a whole experience, use all your senses and totally become him or her. <inaudible> now a meditate on the essence or basic quality of this behavior. Put your judgments aside and use her intuition to feel into it. Boil it down to its neutral core. What's the basic human quality behind this behavior. Is it power coldness, selfishness, nervousness, detachment, irrationality, rationality confidence, dramatic expression. What's the essence.
Speaker 2 00:21:45 Now explore this basic quality as a positive way of being, ask yourself how this behavior, if done in a conscious positive way can actually help you further you and perhaps even show you a new way to relate with the offending individual. Next time you're with this person, try to integrate this behavior in a conscious way and see what happens. Sometimes it has amazing effects and at the very least you'll feel less victimized or frustrated or upset. Remember these qualities wouldn't bother you. Wouldn't get under your skin and upset you. If there wasn't something you needed from them, it's a crazy truth. That which disturbs you is that what you need, but in a different, more conscious form, here's some questions to help you complete your experience. Were you able to put aside your judgments of the other person enough to connect the neutral core essence of their bad behavior and use it in a positive way?
Speaker 2 00:23:53 If not, why? Why are you so attached to your judgments? What would happen if you temporarily let go of them, knowing this may help you progress in this kind of inner relationship work? What stops you from being this way more often? Is it simply something new for you or is there a resistance to it? A belief system, a bad experience you had in the past, an inner critic, judgemental friends, unaccepting, coworkers, oppressive parents, or some kind of specific fear. One common reason is that once you have a negative association to a certain human quality, you rejected. For example, if you've had bad experiences with powerful people who use their power in a negative way, you might reject power altogether, which cuts you off from your own positive power. So go ahead and explore what stops you from being this way more often, or at all, this will make you much more conscious of your process. How can you apply this way of being in your inner life, your work and your spirituality,
Speaker 1 00:27:27 Great work. You've just learned how to process what you don't like about someone. You did this by seeing, feeling, listening to and moving like the offending person with their negative behavior, finding the neutral core essence of this behavior and transforming it into a conscious positive way of being take as much time as you need to absorb what you just did. If you feel like hearing some bonus material where I share some of my client's experiences doing this exercise, that's up next
Speaker 2 00:28:08 <inaudible>
Speaker 1 00:28:19 Here are some of my clients' experiences doing this exercise, a quiet introverted 29 year old man. Didn't like loud people go figure. He said people in public places who speak loudly without regard to other people's spaces drives him crazy. When he explored the experience of being allowed to person, he discovered a sense of boldness. He didn't know he had, he didn't want to be obnoxious. Like the people he felt disturbed by, but he did want to have more self-confidence in the world. And this helped him achieve this a 26 year-old hypersensitive woman. Didn't like her boyfriend's insensitivity. When it came to talking about feelings, when she explored what it would be like to be insensitive, she discovered a strength. She didn't know she had, we worked on how she could use this strength to not fall apart in their arguments. And instead believe in her feelings and stand up for herself.
Speaker 1 00:29:29 This included calling him out on his insensitivity. Paradoxically her process was to be consciously insensitive to some of her own hypersensitivity, a 46 year old, very gentle man who suffered from anxiety told me that his neighbor is a boxer and that he doesn't like his macho vibe. When we explored the fantasy of being a boxer, he discovered an inner decisive power. He didn't know he had, we worked on this over time and he developed his inner toughness and this had a dramatically positive effect on his anxiety. By the way, anxiety is often a process of having split off power. Like he did one's own unconscious power induces fear on a primitive visceral level. So it's really important to connect with and work on whatever power issues you have. See you next time, stay away.
Speaker 0 00:30:42 You can follow me on social media at Dr. Swig, and you can sign up on the mailing list at doctors, wake.com, where you'll receive discounts on private coaching events and merchandise starting in 2021 weekly personal growth tips and lots more be well.
