Episode Transcript
Speaker 1 00:00:03 Welcome to the doctor's wig show, where I show you how bad states of mind and difficult life issues. Aren't pathological, but rather signs of personal growth trying to happen. All right, let's get into it.
Speaker 1 00:00:27 Greetings my furry friends. Oh, wait. That's my animal podcast. <laugh> greetings humanoids. I hope the sun is shining right on your gorgeous face and warming your being. And if it's dark and freezing cold in your life. No worries. Because regardless of what's happening, you have a power in you. That's superior to fate and can use all your experiences for growth and transformation. It all depends on how you relate to them today. I've got a relationship exercise for you that requires you to get the consent of your partner or whoever you wanna do this with. I don't recommend doing it when you're in the heat of a conflict, it's better to wait until you've both cooled out and have a bit of distance from your issue. The goal is to learn something about yourselves and improve your relationship, not win a battle. Don't do this exercise while you're driving, operating machinery or doing anything that requires your full attention to begin.
Speaker 1 00:01:38 I wanna share a brief example of what we're gonna do. I once worked with a couple in which the woman was a workaholic and the man was an alcoholic <laugh> she read a successful business and he was a stay at home drunk. They loved each other, but obviously had problems in their relationship. I had them play, act each other, and they had a really interesting experience by exploring what it would be like for her to be a drunk. She had a realization that she needed to relax more, let loose feel life, let things just happen. She didn't want to literally get drunk, but she did want to de-stres dose was really foreign to her because she was so super type a in control at all times, by imagining that he was a workaholic, he discovered a feeling of actually wanting to get his life together for him.
Speaker 1 00:02:40 This was a strange experience since his Motus opera onus was to just drink, be in the moment and not think about anything else. He didn't want to be a corporate business person like his partner, but he did tap into a feeling of wanting to get off the sauce and do something productive. They each discovered a positive version of their partner's negative qualities. Then we worked on them each committing to integrate some aspect of this new way of being into their lives. Over time, the more they were able to do this, they not only felt better individually, but their relationship improved as well. They learned to empathize with each other more and the polarization of roles they had been in slowly reduced our relationship. Isn't just two people interacting. That's just one level of it. There are actually three levels. The most commonly conceived. One is the interactive level.
Speaker 1 00:03:41 It's the communication system between the two people. This is the level most therapists focus on. How does each person convey their feelings and listen to the other person, share their feelings, solutions and change on this level. Involve people learning to communicate better. Relationship counseling tends to be based solely on this, but sometimes it's not enough. People learn all the supposedly right things you should do in communication, but the relationship problems persist. The reason is that the other two levels have enormous influence on what happens. One of them is what the exercise focuses on. It's the internal level, your partner, or friend, or boss or whoever. Isn't just a person out there who you communicate with. He or she also represents a psychological pattern in the form of a figure, a character, a story, a way of being a process in your subconscious. So you don't only relate to the other person.
Speaker 1 00:04:45 You also relate to this part of yourself without realizing it. For example, the most common internal figure that gets projected onto other people is an internalized parental figure. And this figure doesn't only get projected onto certain people. It actually attracts certain people or you're drawn to these kinds of people. However you wanna formulate it. Your process seeks out whoever it can find to represent your inner parents for you. So you can become conscious of them and process them. It's an example of how everything you experience aims at your personal growth and expansion. Life is about waking up and relationships is one way. Nature tries to help us do this, but it's not just an inner parent that can influence your relationship. It could also be the antidote to that parent. Like if you had a workaholic father, maybe you're attracted to someone who's more loose and relaxed, even if he's a drunk, like my couple.
Speaker 1 00:05:48 And of course, since life is never black and white, your partner may very well have both qualities. Some that represent problematic aspects of a parent and some that provide the antidote beyond inner parental figures. There are infinite number of other inner figures and processes in our psyches that influence our relationships. If you wanna visualize this, imagine a couple. And in each of their heads is a picture of their partner, which is also a picture of an inner figure. Like there's somehow the same figure. It's weird with my couple, the workaholic woman had a more loose and easygoing way of being in her subconscious than her conscious identity allowed. She had been polarized into her type a personality and needed a way to connect with this more relaxed part of herself. So she fell in love with a Boozer who just tripped around the house all day by playacting him and studying her experience.
Speaker 1 00:06:50 She got in touch with her own ability to chill out the message. Obviously wasn't to become a drunk, but rather to loosen up, he had an inner figure in his subconscious that was responsible and on top of things, but he was so polarized into his drunk way of living. He couldn't access this part. That's why he fell in love with a workaholic by play-acting her and studying his experience. He connected with his own ability to pull his life together. So change on this level, involves waking up to how the other person is also an inner part of you and recognizing how this influences your relationship. If you don't have this awareness, you're flying pretty much blind in a relationship, then you shouldn't be shocked when you're suddenly shocked by whatever happens. It's mathematical. Everything is life is the meeting of math and art. Hmm. That sounds like a topic for another episode.
Speaker 1 00:07:58 Okay. So we've got the communication level and the internal level. So you don't only react to the other person. You react to your inner parts as well. And then it becomes a crazy noodle soup of entangled processes that are hard to deal with. If you don't intervene with some awareness tools, but wait, there's more, the third level is the systems level. Have you ever asked someone who's in a relationship how he or she's doing and they respond by saying we're doing great. <laugh> it always makes me laugh. Even if I'm sitting alone with someone, they refer to themself as we, the, we is the system, this is where the relationship acts like a being unto itself. And it's greater than the sum of the parts. The two individuals couples often describe their relationship by saying we do this and that. And we think this, and we believe that.
Speaker 1 00:08:58 And this happens to us in this case, we're working with the system, not just two individuals communicating and projecting their inner parts. When you refer to yourself as we, it means you're identified with the system transformation on this level happens by working on changes in how the whole relationship functions. It's not communication work, and it's not inner work. It's working on the said and unset agreements you have that creates something bigger than each of you individually. So there you have it. If you thought working on a relationship just involves the difficult task of changing, how you communicate. Now, you've got two more levels to drive you nuts. <laugh> I'm joking. Knowing these levels actually helps you zero in on where you actually need to focus. Okay? Now, the goal of this exercise isn't resolution in harmony, it's mutual awareness of your own processes and your relationship process, resolution and harmony occur.
Speaker 1 00:10:07 When both people are able to get past their personal blocks, as well as the blocks of the relationship system as a whole, there's no timeframe for this. It all depends on how new and difficult the changes are. Okay, let's begin. The first thing you should know is that you're gonna be play acting each other. So you'll need to be very careful not to imitate or make fun of the other person in a hurtful way. Make sure you use this method with good intentions begin by sitting together and revisiting a problem. You two have been having discuss what bothers you about each other, but do your best to do so in a non accusatory way, say something like when you do that, it drives me crazy or hurts my feelings or scares me. Keep it simple and focus on your experiences rather than on how terrible you think the other person is. Just identify the behavior that bothers you and describe your reactions. Go one at a time. Okay? Now I want you to play act. Each other, take turns to do this, but don't do it as a negative imitation of the other person don't exaggerate or overdo it. It will only make things worse, be respectful and keep the attitude that you wanna use this relationship process for your personal growth. And that this in turn will help the relationship.
Speaker 1 00:13:48 Do your best to temporarily put aside your judgements and criticisms of the other person's behavior. Imagine there's something in it that relates to a part of you. You don't need to know what this is yet, but use this attitude as you explore this part of yourself. When it's your turn to observe your partner imitating you, do your best to put your reactions aside and just let the other person explore this way of being as a part of themself. Their rendition of you will probably be wildly inaccurate. And that's okay because it's not about you. It's about them exploring this as a part of themself, the way they portray you just needs to provide a doorway into something internal for them. I know easier said than done, but give it a go. Now, stay in your roles and experiment with interacting with each other like this. Don't talk about your relationship conflict, choose something mundane to talk about and focus on your experience of this other way of being it's super important to you. Self disciplined, to not use the interaction to imitate or bring the conflict back into the picture. Focus on yourself as you interact in this role. Play, use it to explore your experience. Go ahead and try this.
Speaker 1 00:19:20 Okay, now stop interacting. And each of you meditate further on the following. What would be the positive version of this negative behavior, your play acting? How can you take this quality out of its negative context and embody it as a positive trait? What's the raw essence, the core quality of this behavior without the negative aspects. How could you use this consciously and productively in yourself and in the relationship? For example, if your partner doesn't pay enough attention to you because they focus on themself and you're play acting this way of being the positive embodiment of this might be to take total care of your own feelings, attend to all your own inner needs and closely follow your feelings. The relationship,
Speaker 1 00:20:20 If you think the other person is too emotional and dramatic and you're play acting this way of being the positive expression of this might be to get really into your own emotions, but in a positive, constructive way, the idea is that there's something in the behavior that bothers you, which you actually need to be more like, but in a conscious positive way, it doesn't matter how conscious or unconscious the other person is in their behavior. What matters is that it bothers you and therefore it's a part of your process. You might even think one of the reasons you're in this relationship is to wake you up about this very thing in yourself. So go ahead and explore a positive version of what you perceive as your partner's negative behavior. All now express this new way of being interact with each other, bringing these positive qualities into the relationship. Talk about something mundane and unrelated to the relationship and focus on embodying and expressing this new personality trait, this new way of being be these new kinds of people, explore this together and then have a discussion about what you learned. Okay. Here are some questions for each of you to answer.
Speaker 1 00:25:51 Were you able to find the positive version of your partner's disturbing behavior? If not, you may wanna go back and redo this part of the exercise temporarily, putting your emotions and judgments aside can be really difficult, but you have to do this to be able to engage with your process. How did integrating your partner's behavior in a positive way, change the relationship dynamic. Can you apply what you learned to your inner life, your other relationships, your work and your spirituality. Great work. You've just learned how to switch roles to transform a relationship dynamic. You did this by identifying what bothers you about the other person, play, acting, being this way, yourself, finding its positive version in yourself, introducing this new behavior into your relationship and applying it to other areas of your life as well. If you feel like it, you can listen to some bonus material where I share some of my clients' experiences doing this exercise. That's up next.
Speaker 1 00:30:21 Here are some of my clients' experiences, switching roles in a relationship conflict to alter the dynamic. Two 19 year old women in a relationship had a symmetrical complaint about each other. They both said their partner flirted too much with other women. They also had almost identical experiences of a positive version of being overly flirtatious. When each of them play acted, their hurtfully flirty partner and translated it into a positive behavior. They acted super feeling, loving, compassionate, and caring. We explored the process further and they discovered that they both seek to be loved and cared for. And because they share a lack of experience, being able to offer this, they tend to search out other people who might be able to however, when they occupied a sense of being, feeling loving, compassionate, and caring, instead of just expecting it from the other person, their relationship felt much better. And the issue got resolved.
Speaker 1 00:31:40 A 60 year old man complained that his 31 year old wife was too materialistic and spent money on frivolous things. She felt judged by him for this. His positive version of being materialistic was being organized, dressing well and taking care of himself. Her positive version of being judgemental was someone with a critical eye who could correctly analyze a situation or a problem. When they brought these traits into their interaction, her action, he acted SWA, stylish and together, and she acted thoughtful and intelligent. They actually enjoyed the process, but weren't sure what it meant or how it could help them with their issue. I encouraged them to keep going. And eventually they've realized that new ways of being helped them reduce what they called their age gap. He had thought she was just a young woman who hadn't grown up enough yet to realize that material things aren't that important.
Speaker 1 00:32:54 But he learned that there's always a place for the material. Even if it just means taking care of your body and physical surroundings. She had thought he was too judgment, always analyzing things, but she learned that she needed to be more thoughtful in how she lived her life, including how she spent money. The exercise helped them grow toward each other in their attitudes, a 53 year old man and a 47 year old woman argued about how to parent their three children. He wanted to be strict and she wanted to be lenient. They both thought each other's approach was seriously misguided. They searched for the positive aspect of each other's viewpoint, but had trouble finding it. This is common. If you're really polarized from each other, I encouraged them to put their own viewpoints aside as much as they could. And eventually they got to something, his positive version of his wife's supposedly too lenient attitude was being very loving.
Speaker 1 00:34:11 Her positive version of his supposedly overly strict approach was being highly practical and organized. When they switched roles and acted this out in their conflict, they discovered a new, more unified approach. They called quote, firm love <laugh>. I like that. It wasn't so much of a compromise as it was agreeing to make parental decisions, according to what will make their children feel the most loved in the long run. This was a change from their old approach where she had only focused on how they felt in the immediate present. And he hadn't really focused on them, feeling loved at all. This is a really interesting way to make progress on such a complex issue. See you next time, stay aware You can follow me on social media, Dr. Wig, and you can sign up on the mailing list at Dr. wig.com where you'll receive discounts on private coaching events and merchandise, weekly personal growth tips, and lots more be well.
