Episode Transcript
Speaker 1 00:00:03 Welcome to the doctor's week show where I show you how bad states of mind, difficult life issues. Aren't pathological, but rather signs of personal growth trying to happen. All right, let's get into it.
Speaker 1 00:00:27 Hey people, how are you? I hope you're doing well. It's a rainy day here, but there's a splinter of sun cutting through the clouds and shining right into the ocean. Nature is powerful and awesome. Don't forget it today. I've got an exercise to do with a partner from whom you've gotten consent to work on your relationship. The method involves visualizing your feelings and using these images to raise awareness in the relationship. As always don't do this exercise while you're driving, operating machinery or doing anything that requires your full attention to begin. I'd like to give you an example of what we're going to do. I once did this exercise with a friend I was arguing with. We sat together, silently closed our eyes and meditated on our feelings. Then we made pictures in our minds of what we felt when we opened our eyes, instead of telling each other what we felt.
Speaker 1 00:01:40 We told each other what our pictures were. My image was of me flying away to the clouds and his was of us chilling by a stream. When I talked about my picture, I said, I'm flying free in the clouds. And he cleverly asked me, what are you flying free of? I wasn't so sure. So I contemplated the question for a minute. Suddenly it came to me. I realized I was flying free of having to convince him of my viewpoint. My imagination of flying in the clouds was a way for me to detach and leave my need to have him agree with me. This was a revelation I'd been so attached to him, agreeing with me that I'd felt imprisoned by our interaction. I realized that I could just be free to love myself and my viewpoint and accept him too. Regardless of his viewpoint, what a relief within the space of a few minutes, I felt totally better with him and didn't feel the need to argue further.
Speaker 1 00:02:48 I spent a while conveying all this to him and he greatly appreciated it. He described a scene where we were stoned or something sitting by a river and just watching it flow. I asked him what the picture said to him and he pondered it for a moment. Then he said, he doesn't actually care that much about the argument. It's just fun to hang out together. Suddenly he didn't want to argue either our pictures transformed our experience together. Now this was just one possible way. Things can come out. There's no goal of harmony or resolution in this exercise. The goal is simply to raise awareness in the relationship. The first time you do this, you might just gain a few insights into the dynamics between you and the other person, but even just that begins to transform the atmosphere you share. Oftentimes you don't solve a conflict right away. You plant seeds of insight and they eventually grow into something transformative. Okay? Sit together. But don't talk. Just meditate on how you feel when you're in his or her presence. Go back and forth between looking at each other and then closing your eyes to hone in on what you feel.
Speaker 1 00:04:16 What kinds of feelings do you have to feel love and warmth, Rage and anger, Hurt and sad. Do you feel like running away or bored or confused or doubtful? If you feel more than one thing simultaneously choose the strongest one. And as you go through the exercise, turn the podcast on and off. According to how much time you need for each step. Go ahead and do this first part.
Speaker 1 00:05:53 Now put the relationship issue aside the moment, close your eyes and visualize your feeling. Forget about what's going on between you two. Just make a picture of what you feel like. For example, if you feel love and warmth, maybe your picture is of a beautiful sunset or a calm ocean. If you feel angry, maybe you see a volcano exploding. If you feel like running away, maybe your picture is of a person with his or her back turned, walking away. Make sure your picture expresses what you feel, not what you want to feel or what you think is going on in the other person or in the relationship. Take a few minutes and meditate together. Each focusing on your own inner feelings and images.
Speaker 1 00:07:51 Now share your pictures with each other one at a time. Tell the other person what you see in your visualization. Don't express your feelings like you usually do. Just talk about the picture. For example, someone might say, I see a picture of a man working on his computer, immersed in a project, or I see a violent explosion that destroys everything, or I see a sad and lonely child.
Speaker 1 00:08:25 You can also let your picture unfold into a movie in real time in front of the other person. Where does the scene go? What happens in the story? Remember to still keep the actual relationship issue out of the work. We'll bring it back in soon for now. Just focus on the imagery that expresses what you feel and try to be as respectful and objective as you can. While speaking, keep the focus on yourself, avoid focusing on the other person, getting into blaming and all that. And while you listen, do your best to put your emotions to the side and view the other person as expressing an authentic experience. Go ahead and do this.
Speaker 1 00:11:14 Now that you've shared an unfolded your pictures for each other attempt, a respectful discussion based on what was communicated by doing this, you may discover things you didn't know or were afraid to express in the relationship, take as much time as you need to do this.
Speaker 1 00:13:35 All right. Here's some questions for each of you to answer. Were you able to temporarily put your feelings aside enough to observe and understand what your partner was expressing in his or her image? This takes a certain degree of self-awareness and discipline, especially in an emotional situation.
Speaker 1 00:14:28 How can you use what you learned about yourself and the other person to improve your relationship?
Speaker 1 00:16:35 How can you apply what you learned about yourself to your inner life, your other relationships, your work and your spirituality.
Speaker 1 00:18:45 Great work. You've just learned how to use a visualization to work on a relationship conflict. You did this by sitting together silently and meditating on how you feel with each other, making images of your feelings, sharing and unfolding them, and then respectfully discussing their implications for your relationship. If you feel like it, you can listen to some bonus material where I share some of my client's experiences doing this exercise. That's up next.
Speaker 1 00:19:31 Here are some of my client's experiences using visualization to work on their relationships. Uh, 27 year old man and 25 year old woman argued about how much time they spent together. She wanted to be together most nights of the week, whereas he only wanted to get together on the weekends. Her image was of a lonely animal in the forest. His image was of a man hiking alone. And guess where in the forest? Sometimes our inner worlds are connected with each other in uncanny ways. She said her image expressed a sad, longing feeling. He described his image as a feeling of getting away from his stressful job and breathing free. In nature. We process these images and he realized that he actually liked spending time with her, but needed to de stress and relax instead of relating so intensely, the forest was his visual representation of this. She realized that she liked spending time with him and didn't actually need to relate and talk. The whole time, just being together was really what she desired. And the forest was how she pictured this. The result was they arrived at a feeling to spend more time together, but instead of going out and doing things in the city, they would go into nature walk and not even talk much.
Speaker 1 00:21:14 Uh, 41 year old man and 39 year old woman had stopped having sex, but weren't really sure why they got along fine, but didn't feel passionate toward each other anymore. His image was of an office worker in a cubicle. Her image was of a wilting flower. He described his image as an experience of stifling boredom. She described her image as a feeling of dying of thirst. After discussing the images, they both realized that they were bored in their relationship. And that's why they didn't feel like having sex. We worked on their fantasies of having a more interesting relationship and they committed themselves to exploring it. They said they used to go out on the weekends, take trips and meet with other couples, but it stopped doing this as their work lives had gotten busier. Now is the time for them to revisit this more fun way of living.
Speaker 1 00:22:20 A few months later, their sex life came back a four year old man and a 34 year old man argued over the fact that one of them was messy. The 40 year old and one was neat. The neat ones image was of a man cleaning up a house. After a hurricane, the messy ones image was of a strict parent telling a boy to clean his room. The neat man described his image as a feeling of being overwhelmed by chaos. The messy man described his image as a feeling of not being free to play and have fun as they listened to each other. Describe their images. I noticed that they both nodded seeming to really understand what was being said. Their insight into each other's deeper feelings and needs helped loosen the knot and led them to find a compromise in how they kept their home. See you next time, stay aware. You can follow me on social media at doctors awake and you can sign up on the mailing list at doctor's wake.com, where you'll receive discounts on private coaching events and merchandise, weekly personal growth tips, and lots more be well.
