Episode Transcript
Speaker 0 00:00:03 Welcome to the doctor's week show where I show you how bad States of mind, difficult life issues. Aren't pathological, but rather signs of personal growth trying to happen. All right, let's get into it. Hey there. How are you? I hope this day or night finds you in good spirits. And if not, no worries.
Speaker 1 00:00:37 Everything's a process. Everything changes, and you've got the answers inside you. It's just a matter of learning how to tap into them. And today I'm going to give you an example of this. I want to tell you about a client of mine, Bob, which of course is his pseudonym. He was a 39 year old waiter who complained of chronic depressed moods. Despite the fact that nothing particularly depressing had occurred in his life, he couldn't figure out why he always felt down since everything seemed to be okay. He had a good marriage, a decent job and great friends. He said that up until a year ago, he had been calm, relaxed, and peaceful. And then now he was depressed. Quote, for no reason, he said he must have a chemical imbalance in his brain in a rare moment of rudeness. I laughed and said, quote, in the words of the great Tom petty, you believe what you want to believe. Let's find out what's really going on. Then I asked him what it's like to have depressed moods all the time. He drew back at my gruffness, but then nodded seeming to sense what I had meant. He described his depression saying it feels weird, bad. I asked him to say something more specific about it, but he just gave another vague response saying I'm out of it.
Speaker 1 00:02:24 Can you give me more details? I said, imagine I'm an alien from another planet and have no idea what a depressed mood feels like. Describe it in a way I can experience. He looked down and pondered my question. He said, I don't know. I feel useless. And I said, I'm still not getting it. We went back and forth like this for a while. I wanted him to convey a sensory description of his experience. For example, a feeling or a picture such as it's like, there's a huge stone I'm dragging around or a body expression, like a gesture of collapsing, something I could relate to. But the more I try to get him to do this, the vaguer he got, if you don't have a precise sensory description of someone's problem, including your own, you can't work on the process because you don't have any real data.
Speaker 1 00:03:28 All you can do is come up with generic ideas and super impose them over what's happening. This is what traditional psychologists and psychiatrists do. When they interpret a sad feeling as a symptom of a disease and ask you preconceived leading questions about things like apathy, hopelessness, loss of interest, or pleasure in things, sleep problems, appetite and weight changes, lack of concentration, social isolation, and my favorite repeatedly going over thoughts. It's a way to gather general information that could mean anything but is useful for concocting a diagnosis. So I tried something different. I asked what would you have to say to someone to make them feel like you do? He asked me what I meant. I said, imagine you could say something to me that makes me feel like you feel, what would you say? He thought about my question for a minute and said, quote, if I was going to make you feel fucked up, like, I feel, I'd say you're a piece of shit.
Speaker 1 00:04:46 You're no good. And then he said, but I wouldn't say that to you or to anyone that's mean I try to be a good person being peaceful and nice is important to me. I don't have a problem with roughness if it's controlled, like in sports. But I don't like when people are mean or rough to each other, I said, right. It is mean, say it to me more, more, yeah. Amplify this mean nasty character. He said, um, you're the worst person in the world you don't deserve to live. You're useless, worthless. And then he said, but I'm not mean like that. I wouldn't say that. I'm not an asshole. I said, right. But this meanness is in you somehow. Then I suggested I play act this mean part and say these awful things to him, he asked, but why what's that going to do? I said, I don't know, but this is what's making you feel depressed.
Speaker 1 00:05:54 So let's explore it. He looked a bit confused, but agreed to try. I pointed at him and said, you're a piece of shit. The worst man in the world, a good for nothing dumb ass, a failure. I went on like this for a few minutes and encouraged him to just notice what he feels. At one point, he looked to the side and then down putting his head in his hands. Then he looked up at me with a tear in his eye. He shook his head and said, I can't believe it. This is so weird. I actually feel like this toward myself in some way, but I didn't know. I can't explain it. I encouraged him to say more. Suddenly he blurted out. I love myself, but I guess I don't really, I mean, I tell myself everything is great, but deep down, I sort of feel like a failure.
Speaker 1 00:06:55 I asked him why. And he said, I don't know, like I'm going to be 40 soon. And I'm a waiter. I said, what's wrong with that? Sounds fine. He said, I know that's what I think too. But something in me says I'm fucked up. Like I should be doing something else with my life. I asked him what he didn't answer. I waited for a minute for him to reply. And finally he said, I wanted to be a lawyer, but didn't think I could do it. So I didn't. I asked him why he thought he couldn't do it. And he said, I don't know, because I'm a loser. I said, Oh, I see the same mean voice that said you weren't good enough to become a lawyer now says you're not good enough because you're not a lawyer. He opened his eyes wide and said screwed.
Speaker 1 00:07:52 If I do screwed, if I don't right. He said, are you saying, that's why I'm depressed? And I said, yes, you have an unconscious critic. What does that mean? You have an inner critic that makes you feel like crap, but you haven't been conscious of it. You're reacting to an invisible enemy. There's a critic and a victim of the critic up to now. You've been the victim, but you haven't known what you're being victimized by. Hi now, you know, he nodded, so what should I do? I don't know. What do you want to do with the critic that says you're no good. You suck being a waiter is bad and you could never be a lawyer. He scratched his head, but didn't respond. Think about it. In the meantime, I'll judge you. I joked his face turned beet red and he looked like he was to explode.
Speaker 1 00:08:56 I could tell he was trying to maintain his identity of a calm peaceful man. So I said, don't worry. You can get angry for a second. You'll still be a man of peace. Fuck you. He suddenly shot back. I was shocked. And I immediately said, are you saying that to me personally, or to me playing the critic? He said, my critic, ah, great. Well, I say, shut up. Don't talk back to me. I'm the all-powerful critic oppressing. You, you can't stand up to me. He said, yes, I can. No way you're too weak. He'd been leaning back in his chair, but suddenly sat up straight. I told him I liked his new posture and said to do it more. So he sat up even taller and puffed out his chest. But he didn't say anything. Then for some reason, I decided to do the same thing and set up tall.
Speaker 1 00:09:59 And also didn't speak. Sometimes you just have to go with what's happening without understanding it. Yet. We both laughed at this funny nonverbal face off. And I continued saying, you suck, fuck you. I do not suck. Yes, you do. You were born. No good. And you'll always be no good. Shut up. No, you'll never amount to anything. As we argued, our postures grew taller until at one funny moment, we both stood up. Suddenly there was silence. I asked him what it felt like to stand face to face with me like this. He thought for a moment and then smiled. It's like the way in. I shook my head. Not understanding what he meant the stare down before the fight. Oh yeah. Tell me what happens. They stare each other down. Then the next night the announcer says, let's get ready to rumble. And they beat each other's face in.
Speaker 1 00:10:59 Then he broke out laughing. You like that? Huh? He said, yeah, for some reason I do well. Let's get ready to rumble. Bob time to really fight the critic for the rest of the session. And in all his subsequent ones, we worked on him fighting back against his critic. It was a two-part process. First. He had to become aware that there was a silent voice, an unseen thought pattern, spooking him from his subconscious. And second, he had to react, argue, wrestle to bait and dialogue with it. Outside of therapy, each time he felt depressed. He imagined and felt into what his critic was saying to him. And then he responded. He spent a lot of time writing down these inner conversations in his journal. A few months later, the critic had lost much of its power over him and his depressed moods began to fade. Eventually they went away for good because he, and habited the power that the critic had been using against him.
Speaker 0 00:12:14 All right.
Speaker 1 00:12:15 Let's figure out what happened with Bob. Did he have a chemical imbalance in his brain? Did he have a mental illness? Did I cure his disease? The answer to all these questions is no. He didn't have a chemical imbalance nor disease needing to be cured. There was nothing wrong with him. Nothing needing to be changed, corrected or fixed. The only thing he needed was awareness of his process. My interventions didn't help him get rid of an illness. They simply helped him engage with his subconscious. The way I did this was to ask him the simple question. What would you have to say to someone to make them feel like you feel the reason I asked him this is because every process has two parts, a sender and receiver.
Speaker 0 00:13:19 You don't
Speaker 1 00:13:20 Feel a certain way for no reason. Something makes you feel that way. Even if you're totally unaware of what it is. You're the receiver of some kind of information communicated to you, either internally or externally as the receiver. Your job is to identify the sender and its message. By asking this question, Bob was able to tap into his subconscious and become aware of the negative thoughts he hadn't known were there in information and communication theory, events occur only as a result of a signal, traveling from one source to another. There's no such thing as an event, without a signal transfer in the human process. Every experience happens as a result of a signal transfer of information. That's constantly being communicated between various parts of your mind and between you and your environment. There's no such thing as a one part process. Bob's depression was only one part within a two part process.
Speaker 1 00:14:37 I helped him uncover the other part, the hidden sender of information that made him feel depressed, doing this, enabled him to bring his inner critic to consciousness and process it. All right. I want to tell you more about the inner critic in general. It's one of the most common and basic elements of the human process. Without it, we wouldn't suffer so much, but we also wouldn't grow a fate worse than you might imagine. Now, Bob had an unconscious inner critic. He didn't even know it was there. This is one of three different types of processes with the critic. It was illustrated by how he initially suffered its effects, but had no awareness of the critic itself. This is why he said he was depressed for no reason. No reason means you're simply unaware of your process. The second type happens when someone doesn't have a critic, he or she is the critic.
Speaker 1 00:15:48 They don't say I have an inner critic saying mean things to me. And it makes me feel bad, but rather I'm no good. I'm an attractive, nobody loves me. I'm never going to amount to anything as if these are self-evident truths. There's no dialogue. Only a monologue. They're unconscious of having a critic because they are, it I've had clients who I try to help by getting them to dialogue with their critic. But it was of no use because they were so identified with it. That it's voice was experienced purely as their own thoughts. There was only one part in their awareness. Instead of two, in these cases I had to use other interventions. The third kind of process is what Bob eventually discovered, which is awareness of the critic. As a part of your mind, you can interact with and transform. When you do this, you'll be able to not only integrate your power like Bob did, but also discover something else.
Speaker 1 00:17:00 Your critic, isn't only bad. It starts out that way because it's trying to get your attention. But its underlying aim is to get you to grow. I totally get that. You want to silence it's mean hurtful, ignorant words, but your critic is a sign of a deeper process and silencing it cuts you off from this process as counter-intuitive, as it sounds, your critic is trying to get you to expand your consciousness in order to develop authentic self love and personal power. I know it sounds paradoxically crazy. I mean, how could something that victimizes you? Amen. Positive outcomes. Well, you have to think of it in terms of process, not in terms of the initial condition, you find yourself in your critic picks up on any area of your life. You aren't totally conscious and evolved in and attacks you for it. With the implicit goal of pushing you to wake up.
Speaker 1 00:18:16 It stirs the pot, instigates irritates and makes trouble to draw your attention to the things you need to become more aware of. Stand up to your critics, nastiness, but also explore and process what it attacks you for. Just trying to be positive or use mind tricks to zap it away is a noble attempt at self-love. But it's not as true as the real thing to discover this. You have to process it. Sometimes a critic attacks you simply because you have an internal power vacuum. You don't own your power. So your critic takes over, owns it and uses it against you. For example, if you're someone who identifies as passive and super easy going, you might have a powerful inner critic who always puts you down. It's your split off power turning against you. In this case, you have to work on integrating your power, intellectual, emotional, physical, et cetera, other times a critical paradoxically judge you for being a certain way.
Speaker 1 00:19:36 When in fact you need to be more that way it picks up on the fact that you don't fully embrace this part of yourself. So it sticks a knife in to get your attention. In this case, you have to get to know, understand, love, support, and celebrate this part of who you are. For example, the critic says you're too loud, but in reality, you're not loud enough. Your process is to fully embrace your huge personality. Another kind of process is where your critic tells you that no one will ever stay with you in a relationship. It attacks you in this way in order to push you into trusting yourself more on your own, your critic is your crucible, the field in which you have the opportunity to awaken and become a more aware and whole person. But now if the aim is to generate such positive change, why does it happen in such an awful way?
Speaker 1 00:20:44 Why can't the credit be your ally and just help you directly the reason and is that it's an unconscious energy and therefore doesn't know what it wants. It's simply driven to irritate you. It needs you to process it. Think of it as a child, trying to communicate something without being conscious of what it needs. You're the parent who has to decipher the meaning. Meaning to do this. You have to engage with the critic, not try to zap it away. Start by distancing yourself from your self-critical thoughts, by imagining them being spoken by another person, visualize this figure. Then talk back to it. If it's a mean and hurtful fight it, tell it to shut up, but don't stop there. Go further into the dialogue and try to determine if the critic has any kind of valid message search for what's motivating it and explore what it really wants from you.
Speaker 1 00:21:52 Is it there to provoke you to develop your power by fighting its power? Is it there to show you what you need to improve about yourself? Is it a fearful part of you that criticizes you as a way to get your attention and hopefully your help guidance and reassurance. Is it putting the spotlight onto a specific issue? You need to process. For example, if your critic says you're behind everyone, like in your career relationships, having children accomplishments and so on, don't let it beat you down. Take it as a sign that you need to wake up about something in this area of your life. You may need to take more action toward your goal or yeah, you may need to get stronger in standing against ideas of what you should do that are wrong for you. Your critic is simply an obnoxious, ignorant Sage poking you where you need to grow.
Speaker 1 00:23:04 Its words are hurtful, but the underlying process contains gold, but you never know what you'll learn until you jump into the process. So when I worked with Bob, I didn't try to get rid of his depressed moods or inner critic by referring him to a psychiatrist for medication or helping him change his thought patterns or teaching them any other method that aims to eliminate your symptoms. I amplified his process. The reason I did this is because the parts of yourself that cause you trouble are there for a reason. They aren't just random symptoms to suppress with meds or override with mind techniques. They're meaningful, purposeful processes, irritating you in order to force you to engage with your process. And why do you need to engage with your process? Because there's always something new on the horizon of your psyche and it needs your attention. It demands your awareness.
Speaker 1 00:24:18 Your awful inner critic is simply a vehicle to get you into your process. If you always just suppress or avoid it or train yourself to bypass it, you may feel better in the moment, but you miss out on your growth. There's a powerful transformation trying to happen in you in your critic is the seed for this process. By going into his inner world, instead of trying to cover it over. Bob discovered he had a critic hiding in the shadows of his psyche, spooking him, making him feel bad about himself. And this woke him up by compelling him to fight him, quit fighting it to transforming its power into his own power. Do you see the process in this? People usually don't think of their problems as processes. They think of them in static, one dimensional terms. I've got problem X and I have to get rid of it.
Speaker 1 00:25:26 But X is only X P for you process it. Once you dive in, explore amplify and unfold, what's trying to happen. X changes from a problem into a growth process. As you change, it changes Bob's process began as a depression. He didn't even know he had an inner critic. As we got into things, he discovered the critic, which in turn led him to fighting the critic. And then finally to integrating his own power. A problem is a process, a series of changes trying to happen. It's not a static thing. This is a crucial point. We've all been taught that if you're in a bad state of mind, this bad state is wrong and you should get yourself into a good state. It's a perfectly understandable idea since nobody wants to suffer, but it's incredibly ineffective. Whether you take medication or do therapy that teaches you positive thinking to replace your negative, learn mental toughness or practice meditation to detach from your problems.
Speaker 1 00:26:51 You're probably trying to change your state and that's great. We all want and should feel good as much as we can. The problem is that life is a process, not a state. If you approach yourself only in terms of your current state of mind, and don't see it as having any potential to unfold into something meaningful, you spend an awesome amount of time and energy trying to correct your bad feelings so you can get into good ones, but you never really unpack. What's behind the bad ones. You use some kind of strategy that makes you feel good in the short term, but then your problem returns. It's like ping pong, back and forth, back and forth. If you want to really understand and transform your depression or critic or any problem, you have to process it and counter it, confronted, explore what it wants. You have to get ready to rumble. See you next time. Stay aware.
Speaker 0 00:28:09 You can follow me on social media at Dr. Swig, and you can sign up on the mailing list at doctor's wake.com, where you'll receive discounts on private coaching events and merchandise starting 20, 21 weekly personal growth tips and lots more be well.
